I’m always pestered with questions from my mom and grandma, “when are you going to get a boyfriend?” they ask. To which I respond, “I don’t want a boyfriend and I don’t need a boyfriend. I’m only 21.” For some reason that isn’t a good answer. My Bubbie (Yiddish for grandmother) encourages me to go to the Hillel on campus in search for a husband, while my mom just tells me to find a “good guy” at the bar. First of all, I will not go hunting for a husband at the Hillel. I don’t go to Hillel to pray or celebrate Shabbat or to use the squeaky clean bathrooms, so I am not going to look for my hubby to be. Second, is there a section for “good guys” at the bar that I’m missing? Is it next to the VIP section? Is there a velvet rope separating it from the rest of the sweaty, overly touchy, did I say sweaty, men at the bar? No. I will not be husband hunting at the bar, but thanks mom.
It’s not that easy to find a boyfriend, but then again I’m not really looking. Being single rocks and I’ll tell you why:
For one, the only person that is concerned with where you are is your mom or roommate or friends, but they don’t actually care where you are it’s more if you’re still breathing. I’ll tell you a story. My friends and I went out to a party at school. The three of us got separated and one of my friends ended up at guy’s apartment. I texted her ‘where are you?’ and she replied, ‘at this boy’s apartment, his bed is super comfortable.’ ‘So you’re good? He’s not going to kill you?’ I asked. ‘No dude I’m fine. Talk to you in the morning!’ That was it. I didn’t bug her with any minor details or ask for the guys name and number, or tell her to get her butt back to the party. You can’t do fun things like try out someone else’s bed if you have a boyfriend! You can’t even think about someone else’s bed if you have a boyfriend, no fun. Also boyfriends are overbearing. Let’s change the scenario, let’s say that my friends and I went to a party and I had a boyfriend. If my boyfriend wasn’t in this particular frat he wouldn’t be allowed in. He’d get mad at me for choosing to hang out with my friends and a bunch of random dudes instead of him. And when I saw him the next day he’d probably do a full 360 degree body scan to see if anyone else’s fingerprints were on me. I think I’ll pass on that.
My next point might just be a me thing. Boyfriends are boring! OK well I’m NOT a relationship person (at least that’s what I tell myself) because being with the same person for an extended period of time is boring! ‘Hey babe let’s get dinner’, ‘hey babe after dinner let’s go to a movie’, ‘hey babe after the movie let’s go get ice cream and then you can sleepover.’ That is a lot of time with that boy. Dinner, a movie, ice cream, and you want me to hang out with you more afterwards?! That’s overkill. What do you talk about for 6 hours? What if I don’t want to talk to you anymore? I can’t have ice cream and you apartment smells like boy so I’m going to go home. That’s how my date would go. I need my space and boyfriends take up space, my space. Anyone who knows me understands how important space is to me. Boyfriends also get antsy when you don’t talk to them at least once a day. I had a boyfriend once, freshman year of high school, and we texted 24/7! What in the world did we talk about? Nothing, we talked about nothing, because we ran out of things to talk about. It’s one thing if you’re married because you love each other and the whole point is to spend your lives together, but this imaginary college boyfriend that I’m supposed to have would not be my boyfriend forever. Want to know why? Because I’d get bored. Case closed, boyfriends are boring.
Finally, boyfriends hardly exist anymore. Even if I wanted to find a boyfriend my options for meeting my to be boyfriend would be Tinder, in class, at the bar, or at Moe’s (since I love Taco Tuesdays and would want that friends and family discount). Let’s take this one at a time. Tinder: well if you haven’t read my previous blog about how Tinder is not a dating app, you should read it. In class: by the time I figure out this guy’s name and whether or not he has a girlfriend already the semester will be over. At the bar: no, just no. My boyfriend will not be found grinding with a girl in 8 inch heels and 12 lbs of foundation. Next! At Moe’s: if I went to Moe’s enough times to make a connection with one of the workers one of two things would happen; I would become a walking, talking, breathing burrito or the guy would think there was something seriously wrong with me for eating at Moe’s three times a week.
If you already have a boyfriend, great! I hope you continue to love and cherish each other. If you don’t have a boyfriend, great! You are doing fine without one. I don’t want someone to pay for all of my meals, or hold my hand, or call me weird pet names (babe, honey, cutie). Anytime someone calls me cutie, I vomit a little in my mouth and remind myself to delete them as a friend. Being single rules! Am I the only one that thinks that? It’s girls night every night, I don’t have to buy sexy underwear (we all know granny panties are the way to go), and I can sleep in my own bed with my retainers in every. single. night. Nothing beats living the single life. Oh and when guys do hit on you, pretending to have a boyfriend that would kick any guy’s ass is more fun than actually having one!
The moral of the story is: being single rocks. Just look at me, I rock.