I Think I’m Going Through My First Break-Up

I’ve never had a boyfriend, or anything remotely close to a boyfriend. I’ve been single my whole life and I’ve always liked it that way. Until recently, when I was introduced to a stand-up guy; he had a great job, found my lame stories interesting, was courteous, and most importantly, he liked me for who I am. This guy was perfect on paper–all of the boxes were checked off and if I wanted to, I could introduce him to my parents.

After 2-ish months of “being together”, I told him that I just wanted to be friends. I told him I couldn’t commit to dating him and that I just wasn’t ready or willing to give my all to him. To me, being friends was a easy solution–we still get to hang out, crack jokes, and be in each other’s lives. After all, he was someone I cared about and I didn’t want to lose him completely. In the past, I’ve remained friends with everyone I had been romantic with. Whether it was making-out or having a “thing” with a guy, he is most likely one of my close friends now. This guy cut me off. He didn’t want to be friends at all.

I guess I’m having a hard time understand why. It’s not like we were in a three-year relationship and the sight of me would bring him to tears. I find it pretty irrational that he won’t at least try to be friends. For the record, we were not dating. How much of an emotional investment could he have had in me?

Honestly, I was trying to do what was best for both of us. I couldn’t give him what he wanted and he wasn’t the right guy for me. I thought that stopping this “love train” in its tracks was better than flat out rejecting him if he asked me to be his girlfriend.

Then I woke up this morning with all different emotions racing through my head–“did I make the right decision?” “What if I want him back?” “Maybe I do actually have feelings for him.” But then I remembered how horrible it would be if I texted him and asked him if I had made a mistake–so I texted him and asked if I had made a mistake because I’m ruthless and selfish.

The next thing I did was text Mel, because she always has the answers I’m looking for. She told me that I needed to hurt and miss him, that this is what breaking up with someone, even if you weren’t actually dating, feels like. In order for anything to work out in the end I needed to give him his space and I needed to hurt. Every couple I saw today I thought, “That could be us.” “I could see myself doing that with him.”

At the end of the day, I think the idea of having a boyfriend is what appeals to me. I want to be able to commit to someone and tell them how I feel, but I think it has to be with the right person. He shouldn’t have to change in order to make me happy and I was looking for ways to change him. He is a circle and I am a square, you can’t force the two to fit together. As unemotional as I am, this is me hurting and admitting that I’ll miss him. I enjoyed his company and lame jokes, I liked watching Ghost Adventures and going miniature golfing, but I’ll miss his genuine heart the most. I’ve never had someone care about me the way he did. What I want the most is for both of us to be happy–a square deserves a square and a circle deserves a circle. This is most definitely the closest thing I’ve ever had to a break-up.

Do I watch Rom-Com’s and eat cartons of ice cream now? Or what?

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